Ten Tips for a Successful Marriage

Earlier this week, a Facebook friend asked a favor. She said, "I am doing a homework assignment for a Marriage and Family class, and am asking five individuals what they think is the secret to a successful marriage. What are your thoughts?"

After sharing my thoughts with her, I realized I'd just written my next blog! I decided to share them with others, with one caveat: I learned much of this the hard way - through the experience of doing it wrong!

Jim and I have been married almost 46 years, but we have struggled at times just like every other couple I know. We have made mistakes, asked forgiveness, and plodded forward sometimes when we didn't feel like it. Success is often as simple as just hanging in there until things get better!

I began my answer by quoting the Bible. Proverbs 14:1 says, "A wise woman builds her house, but the foolish woman tears it down with her own hands."

This verse tells us that we have a task to do. Building a successful marriage is hard work, and we must be proactive, not reactive. It doesn't take much effort to tear something down. If we are doing nothing to build it, we are basically accomplishing that destruction.

Here are several things to keep in mind:

1. NEVER consider or talk about divorce. It destroys trust and opens the door for doubt and discouragement.

2. Constantly reinforce your love, faith and trust in your mate by saying things that BUILD your relationship: For instance, I love you, I'd choose to marry you all over again, I value your opinion, I appreciate the effort you put into our family, I think you're a good father/mother, I love and respect your family, etc. 

3. There will always be give and take, but there is no 50/50 relationship. We must each try to give 100% because none of us is perfect, and we will fail. But the fact that our mate sees that we're trying our best is worth a lot.

4. Don't expect your mate to change his/her values after you are married. Ask God to change the things you dislike in your mate but cannot change. If He doesn't change a person, you can't do it. Accept what you cannot change as God's gift to sharpen you and make you a better person.

5. Respect one another and model that respect, especially when you are with others. Nothing hurts a relationship more than one of the parties being disrespectful or demeaning to the other.

6. Set goals and work together to accomplish them. Marriage is not a competition, but a collaboration. Many marriages fall apart because people don't have shared dreams and goals. They pursue separate interests and grow apart, often becoming resentful of their mate's achievements or success.

7. Communicate your feelings without blaming the other person. If you are disappointed that you haven't been able to do what you expected you could, express how you feel, but don't blame your mate.

8. Be realistic in your expectations. Don't assume that because you are deeply in love, everything will be smooth sailing. Both partners are imperfect, and conflict will arise. Try not to take it as a personal attack when he/she does not agree with your perspective or opinions. It has been said that if two people agree on everything, one of them is expendable.

9. Fight fair and then forgive. When you argue (not literally fight) say what is bothering you and why. Then when each person has expressed him/herself, own up to your part of the problem, apologize and ask forgiveness. Accept the apology and put it behind you - don't stew and rehash it.  

10. Live within your means and establish a budget. Decide who will control the finances and pay the bills. Determine how much each person is able to spend without asking your mate to approve it.

Successful marriages don't just happen - they are the result of hard work and a desire on the part of both partners to make it work! I know God has a plan for every life, and I'm thankful that bringing Jim into my life was a part of His plan for me. He is strong where I'm weak, and vice versa.

The conflict we often face in our marriages either make us or break us. If we allow God to use that conflict to help us improve, we become a better person, and our marriage is strengthened. When you face difficult times, remember that God perfects us through trials. And often when we look back on these times, we have to laugh at how immature we were, or how silly our arguments were. Give your marriage and all relationships to God, and He will bless you and others through them.

That's what I think...let me know what you think by posting a comment below.