Ten Tips for a Successful Marriage

Earlier this week, a Facebook friend asked a favor. She said, "I am doing a homework assignment for a Marriage and Family class, and am asking five individuals what they think is the secret to a successful marriage. What are your thoughts?"

After sharing my thoughts with her, I realized I'd just written my next blog! I decided to share them with others, with one caveat: I learned much of this the hard way - through the experience of doing it wrong!

Jim and I have been married almost 46 years, but we have struggled at times just like every other couple I know. We have made mistakes, asked forgiveness, and plodded forward sometimes when we didn't feel like it. Success is often as simple as just hanging in there until things get better!

I began my answer by quoting the Bible. Proverbs 14:1 says, "A wise woman builds her house, but the foolish woman tears it down with her own hands."

This verse tells us that we have a task to do. Building a successful marriage is hard work, and we must be proactive, not reactive. It doesn't take much effort to tear something down. If we are doing nothing to build it, we are basically accomplishing that destruction.

Here are several things to keep in mind:

1. NEVER consider or talk about divorce. It destroys trust and opens the door for doubt and discouragement.

2. Constantly reinforce your love, faith and trust in your mate by saying things that BUILD your relationship: For instance, I love you, I'd choose to marry you all over again, I value your opinion, I appreciate the effort you put into our family, I think you're a good father/mother, I love and respect your family, etc. 

3. There will always be give and take, but there is no 50/50 relationship. We must each try to give 100% because none of us is perfect, and we will fail. But the fact that our mate sees that we're trying our best is worth a lot.

4. Don't expect your mate to change his/her values after you are married. Ask God to change the things you dislike in your mate but cannot change. If He doesn't change a person, you can't do it. Accept what you cannot change as God's gift to sharpen you and make you a better person.

5. Respect one another and model that respect, especially when you are with others. Nothing hurts a relationship more than one of the parties being disrespectful or demeaning to the other.

6. Set goals and work together to accomplish them. Marriage is not a competition, but a collaboration. Many marriages fall apart because people don't have shared dreams and goals. They pursue separate interests and grow apart, often becoming resentful of their mate's achievements or success.

7. Communicate your feelings without blaming the other person. If you are disappointed that you haven't been able to do what you expected you could, express how you feel, but don't blame your mate.

8. Be realistic in your expectations. Don't assume that because you are deeply in love, everything will be smooth sailing. Both partners are imperfect, and conflict will arise. Try not to take it as a personal attack when he/she does not agree with your perspective or opinions. It has been said that if two people agree on everything, one of them is expendable.

9. Fight fair and then forgive. When you argue (not literally fight) say what is bothering you and why. Then when each person has expressed him/herself, own up to your part of the problem, apologize and ask forgiveness. Accept the apology and put it behind you - don't stew and rehash it.  

10. Live within your means and establish a budget. Decide who will control the finances and pay the bills. Determine how much each person is able to spend without asking your mate to approve it.

Successful marriages don't just happen - they are the result of hard work and a desire on the part of both partners to make it work! I know God has a plan for every life, and I'm thankful that bringing Jim into my life was a part of His plan for me. He is strong where I'm weak, and vice versa.

The conflict we often face in our marriages either make us or break us. If we allow God to use that conflict to help us improve, we become a better person, and our marriage is strengthened. When you face difficult times, remember that God perfects us through trials. And often when we look back on these times, we have to laugh at how immature we were, or how silly our arguments were. Give your marriage and all relationships to God, and He will bless you and others through them.

That's what I think...let me know what you think by posting a comment below.

Fair Weather Friends and Faith

I recently heard a saying that describes two kinds of friends:

Good friends are like diamonds, precious and rare.

False friends are like leaves, found everywhere.

Fair weather friends love you as long as the weather (or situation) is fine. But when things get uncomfortable or we need help, we learn who our true friends are. I venture to say that a fair weather friend is not really a friend at all. 

Just after posting my last blog, we had a very difficult week. We lost a dear family member on Monday, but were comforted when we got home by cards and words of concern from friends via email and Facebook .

The next day, we got up to the news of the horrible earthquake and tsunami in Japan. After watching that news story, our daughter called saying our grandson’s school was dismissed early because of wildfires headed for his school. We turned on the news again and watched as the fire consumed much of the community of Harrah, Oklahoma, the town of our last pastorate. Many acres were burned, and at least fifteen homes were destroyed, including two of our church friends.

The next day we sent a group from our church on a trip to Mexico to deliver food and clothing to an orphanage. We prayed for their safety, knowing that members of the drug cartels will kill anyone that happens to be in the right place at the wrong time.

If you think I’m exaggerating the danger all around us, turn on the news and just listen for a while. The world is in a mess, and it’s not a good time for fair weather friends.

Some of us also have fair weather faith. We don’t really think much about God until things get difficult and we need his help. This is evident across America. On September 11, 2001, almost everyone was calling on God, even our lawmakers on Capitol Hill. But before that happened and once the crisis passed, many of those same people voted to keep God out of the public arena. When the going gets tough, we say we have faith in God and pray for His help. But is that really faith?

I didn’t need fair weather friends that week, and I surely don’t need fair weather faith. I want a faith that is just as real in the good times as it is in the time of need. Real faith can be seen because it is evident by our actions. The book of James tells us that “…faith without works is dead.”

The world is not getting any better. We will face more tough times ahead, and we’ll need both our friends and our faith. The kind of faith we need is an all-weather faith. The kind of friend we need is a friend like Jesus. The Bible calls Him a friend that sticks closer than a brother, and promises that He will never leave nor forsake us.

How has your faith sustained you in time of need? Feel free to share your thoughts in the comment section below.

A Legacy of Service - #15577

He was known by his number while he was in the Army, but flags are flying at half-mast all across America for #15577. His name has become better-known over the past few years and especially in this week’s news.



Defense Secretary Robert Gates
and Corporal Frank Buckles



Frank Woodruff Buckles, the only living American veteran of World War I died this past Sunday. He had just celebrated his 110^th birthday on February 1^st among family and friends on his farm in West Virginia.

Born in Missouri in 1901, Frank Buckles' family had just purchased a farm and were about to move to Oklahoma. Already a hard worker with amazing initiative, at age 15 Frank talked his father into hiring him rather than a stranger, to accompany a boxcar load of draft horses and equipment from Missouri to the farm his family had bought in Dewey County, OK. Asked in an interview years later about the adventure of riding the train alone and the great responsibility given to him as a teenager, Buckles said , “A 15-year-old boy is not scared of anything."

Once the family moved, Buckles worked as a bank clerk in nearby Oakwood, OK, and lived in a hotel in order to attend high school. Well-read from a young age, he was aware of the lingering "war to end all wars" and eager to fight alongside his fellow Americans "Over There" (the title of a popular song at the time). When summer came in 1917, he traveled to Wichita, Kansas, to attend the state fair where he visited a Marine recruiting station hoping to enlist in the military. He told the officer he was 18, but was disappointed to hear he had to be 21 to enlist.



Frank Buckles at 16



"I was just 16 and didn't look a day older. I confess to you that I lied to more than one recruiter. I gave them my solemn word that I was 18, but I'd left my birth certificate back home in the family Bible. They'd take one look at me, laugh, and tell me to go home before my mother noticed I was gone. Somehow I got the idea that telling an even bigger whopper was the way to go. So I told the next recruiter that I was 21, and darnded if he didn't sign me up on the spot! I enlisted in the Army on 14 August 1917." 

Buckles found an Army recruiter in Oklahoma City willing to buy his fib. He was accepted into the Army, sent to Colorado for basic training, and was soon off to Europe. He said, “I realized immediately when I arrived in England that this was a very serious situation.”  Because of his work as a bank clerk, the Army planned to put him at a desk job, but Buckles fought the idea. Instead, he asked and was given permission to drive motorcycles with sidecars, transporting VIPs, guarding German prisoners, and driving ambulances in England and France.

Buckles was sent to escort an officer from England across the channel into France where he was still serving on Armistice Day, November 11, 1918. After completing an assignment to escort German POWs back to Germany, he returned to the US in 1920 upon his discharge. Back home from service, but without the educational benefits that would be available to later veterans, Corporal Buckles went to Oklahoma City, found a part-time job, and worked his way through business school learning shorthand and typing.

In 1920 General John Pershing, the American Commander in Europe during WWI, made a stop in Oklahoma City while making rounds throughout the coutnry. Buckles showed up in uniform at a reception for the General, and ironically was the only service member to attend other than Pershing's staff. Although Buckles was not a cavalry man, he carried riding gloves representing the cavalry, which Pershing, who was with the cavalry, recognized. "I gave the general a snappy salute, and he sent a sergeant after me to ask a few questions," Buckles remembered proudly. He learned that he and Pershing were born about 30 miles and 40 years apart in Missouri.

After attending business school, Buckles landed a job with the Post Office and saved enough money to take him to Toronto where he began working with a steamship company. Following that, he worked for a short time as a clerk in a New York City bank, but found his heart longed to be back at sea. He landed a job as a purser, advanced his career, and worked for nearly 20 years aboard cargo and passenger ships in South America. In 1941 Buckles was captured as a civilian while working aboard a steamship when the Japanese invaded the Philippines during World War II. After spending more than 3½ years as a POW, Buckles and his fellow prisoners were rescued by American Airmen in 1945.



Gap View Farm in 1930



Buckles moved to California where he met and married his wife Audrey. Both of them from families with backgrounds as landowners, they decided to return to their roots. In 1954, they bought a 330-acre farm near Charles Town, West Virginia. They moved back to raise cattle on Gap View Farm in the area his ancestor Robert Buckles and 15 other families had helped to settle in 1732.

On Veteran’s Day in 2007, when asked about the secret of his long life, Buckles gave a one-word reply: "Hope." Amusingly, he said, “When you start to die... don't.” He also added, “I never got in a hurry.”



Frank Buckles - the last of the Dough Boys



Frank Buckles continued to work on his farm, still driving his tractor until the age of 106. He died peacefully on February 27, 2011, less than a month after celebrating his 110^th birthday. His life represents thousands of lives who serve to keep the world free of tyranny and oppression.



You can read more about Frank Buckles, including his autobiographical sketch at

http://www.frankbuckles.org/

If this story touched you, and you want to honor a veteran, feel free to leave a comment below and tell me what you think!

D – I – V – O – R – C – E

A technology-challenged, 60-something father was trying out all the features of the new cell phone his daughter had helped him select. After showing him the basics, she went home leaving her proud father reading the manual and trying out more features. He decided to surprise her the next day by sending her a text message. However, he wasn’t quite quick enough to notice that the smart phone had auto corrected his message to read as follows:

Dad:    Your mom and I are going to Divorce next month. J

Daughter:  What!!! WHY????????  Call me ASAP!!!

Dad:    No, no, no.  I typed in Disney and the auto-correct changed it to Divorce.

This funny story is also sad because it’s almost a picture of the flippant way in which divorce is handled by some people. A neighbor visiting in our home began telling me of her upcoming divorce. I was truly upset and somewhat blindsided thinking she had come to me for advice. “Oh, no,” she smiled and assured me, “we’re both fine with it.”

Divorce has become so commonplace that it’s the subject of jokes and idle chatter. But that’s not a true picture of how it affects real people, and it’s certainly not God’s perspective. The Bible says in Malachi 2:16 that God hates divorce. As a casual acquaintance, I was more upset than my neighbor was about the dissolution of her ten-year marriage despite the fact that her little girl was listening. According to the National Fatherhood Initiative, about 22 million children in this country live in single-parent homes, children who are much more likely to fall victim to the many social ills that divorce breeds.

The website marriage101.org says the divorce rate in America for first marriage is 41%; the divorce rate for second marriage is 60%; and the divorce rate for third marriage is 73%. The incidence rate for Christians is equally as high as non-Christians. The same website lists the top causes of divorce as: Money, Alcohol, Sexual issues, Immaturity, Jealousy, In-law problems, and Irresponsibility.

I just read a novel called The Pirate Queen by Patricia Hickman published by Waterbrook Press. It’s the story of a woman who had biblical grounds for divorce, and who was just about ready to leave her husband of thirty years when God intervened. She learned that DISappointments sometimes turn out to be HISappointments.

A statement she made stuck with me long after I finished the book. She said, “Love is not a feeling. It’s the actions you take whether you feel like it or not.” Some people seem to think that when they no longer feel loving, that releases them from their marital vows. We can’t trust our feelings because they change from day to day. We must act in love and commit to stay together even when we feel like giving up.

Too many people feel their marriage is the exception, and it’s okay for them to divorce because God understands. Don’t cop out on your mate or on God. Begin your marriage with the end in mind. Look 20 or 30 years down the road and imagine what kind of family you want to have. I assure you, it won’t be a fragmented family that you picture. If you ever attend a wedding where the parents of the bride or groom are divorced, you will readily see and feel the wounds the whole family suffers.

The result of staying together is that we leave a legacy of trust, security, commitment, and honor for our children to model their marriages after. Choose to stick with it, and you will be rewarded with greater tenacity, a feeling of accomplishment, a shared history, and the peace that comes with obedience. Your children will rise up and called you blessed, and your family will avoid many of the heartaches that follow divorce.

Tell me what you think by leaving a comment in the space below.

A Poem of God's Bountiful Gifts

Blackbirds

 by Judy Combs Puckett

Today a flock of blackbirds descended on my lawn

The sun had shone so brightly since early at the dawn.

They pecked along the cold, hard ground, eking out a meager meal

Content with only bits of grain. Inside and warm, I watched them still.

The flock was quickly joined by more; they shared the grain and seed.

None worried that another bird would take more than his need.

Although each bird appeared to be full black when they flew down,

I saw small feathers green and blue while gazing from the ground.

Their beauty was amazing. Such an intricate design

Of patterns pressed in feathers, now seemed one of a kind.

I saw anew, as God must see that each one was unique

Fulfilling its own purpose here, and He gave me a peek!

I wondered, if it had been I who was obliged to share,

Would I have welcomed graciously the new ones, without a care?

Suddenly, as tho’ a bell had rung, the entire flock took wing,

Perfectly timed and choreographed as if all heard it ring.

The sky was blackened as they rose, their feathers sleek and sable.

I watched them heading further south and went back to my table.

I thought of how the Scripture says: He sees the sparrow fall,

And not one hair falls from our head without His knowing all.

Why do we then, His chosen ones, anxiously worry and fret?

He deeply cares for you and me--a promise we may forget.

But if He puts inside the birds a compass and a mind

To show them how to navigate and where their food to find,

Why should we think He doesn’t know the many things we need,

To trust His goodness and his love, and at His table, feed.

Our Lord bestows abundantly more than we ask or think.

His cup is overflowing now, So come, and richly drink.

  ©   January 2011

Post a comment below and share how God has blessed you.

Love Is Something You Do

People say it makes the world go ‘round. It’s the subject of more songs and poems than any other topic. It is so important that a holiday has been dedicated to it. Go into any store this weekend, and you can’t miss the reminders. In our local Wal-Mart this week, I saw seven aisles dedicated to Valentine’s Day merchandise.

Since all of us tend to think about the subject of Love during the second week of February, I’m jumping on the bandwagon. But I’m not going to talk about the kind of love most people do—that magical feeling that makes us lose our appetite, and some might say, lose our minds!

We hear many things about love, but most of us understand so little about true, sacrificial love. Jim and I were part of an ensemble that presented a Valentine’s Day musical program several years ago. One of our songs said, “Love is something that’s real, love is something that’s true. Love is something you feel, but most of all, love is something you do.”

We tend to think of love as something ethereal …a feeling that’s hard to describe or put your finger on. But the Bible says that love expresses itself in very down-to-earth ways.  As 1 Corinthians 13 tells us, Love is patient, kind, not envious, boastful, or rude. It is not selfish or easily angered, and keeps no record of wrongs. Love protects, trusts, hopes, endures, and never fails. Does this describe your love for your mate, children, and others? It helps me see that my love often comes up short.

If you want to see a true love story, look to the kind of people who have spent their lives sacrificially giving to their families and to one another despite great hardship and despite the allure of other pleasures. Look to those who put their spouse’s and children’s needs ahead of their own. The kind of love that makes a Dad like mine go out day after day in the freezing cold or stifling heat to work long, hard hours providing for his family. The kind of love that makes a Mother like mine give up the hope of a life she might enjoy and dedicate her entire life to her husband, children, and family. The kind of love that keeps a man and woman together for 58 years, until they are parted by death, long after the magic of new love has faded away. That’s the definition of true love.

But if you want to see a perfect love story, look to Jesus, the Source of all love, and the One whose purpose in life was to give us eternal life. He left the splendor of Heaven knowing His destiny was death on a cross. His sacrificial love was an example of something we can never achieve, but only hope to emulate. When He was betrayed in Gethsemane, He reaffirmed that love, by not using His unlimited power to call legions of angels who could rescue Him immediately. It was not the nails, but that perfect love that held Him to the cross where he purchased our salvation at unspeakable cost.

Love is not cheap. In fact, it is the most costly thing we can give. As you give gifts to those you love this weekend, remember that your gift is only a symbol of what your actions show each day. Otherwise the gift is meaningless.

True love, sacrificial love, really is something we do. That’s what I think…what do you think? Share your thoughts about love with me and others by posting a comment below.

Welcome Home!

When we see all that's happening in our world today, our hearts and minds are troubled. We find great comfort in reading and thinking about the promise of Christ’s return. The Bible gives many signs of His return: wars and rumors of wars, nation rising against nation, signs in the sun, moon, and stars (weather changes), and earthquakes in diverse places. We’ve seen so many of these multiply over the last few years that the coming of Christ seems very close. Whether we are alive when He returns, or we meet Him in death, all of us long to hear Jesus’ words, “Welcome Home!”

Our daughter Lancia, who is a nurse, was due to arrive home after spending two weeks in Ivory Coast, West Africa, on a medical mission. It was an exciting day for all of us, especially for her husband Scott and her three children. Anticipating her arrival, I phoned the kids to see if they would like to make signs to welcome their Mom at the airport. Maybe because they had never seen it done, none of the three seemed excited about my suggestion. But I was really doing it for their mother, who I knew would enjoy seeing the kids holding signs and appreciate the extra effort made on her behalf.

Despite their lack of enthusiasm for sign-making, Jim, Marci (our second daughter), and I stopped on our way to the airport and bought the necessary materials. As Dad drove, Marci and I quickly worked in the back seat crafting signs with the appropriate welcome messages. It was not a pretty sight! Lines were not straight, the lettering was sloppy, and our decorations looked...well, homemade. We consoled ourselves that something messy was better than nothing.

Upon arriving at the airport and seeing our signs, the kids’ interest grew. Darcy, Jill, and Zane took the markers, sat down on the airport floor, and began writing notes, drawing hearts and adding decorations of their own. As they put their own hearts and emotion into it, the signs began to take on a very personal feel. Ever the hungry one, Jill wrote, "Welcome home, Mom. What's 4 dinner?"

What seemed unimportant to them an hour earlier was suddenly the focus of their attention, because each sign was a connection with their Mom who they had missed terribly and were so anxious to see. When Lancia arrived and eagerly scanned the crowd for familiar faces, her eyes were drawn to the welcoming messages and smiling faces of her family.

Through hugs, kisses and tears, we were reunited, and the signs became less important. The real welcome was not the sign, but the open arms and hearts of her loved ones. The signs were only a symbol of the real connection—our love for one another. The embodiment of love is a physical connection. We feel complete when we are with the ones we love.

When Jesus returns to receive His bride, all the trappings that are so important to us now—a church building, a Bible, our Christian books, our ministry—will fade away because they are only symbols. We will enjoy the real connection with Jesus—His unfailing, eternal love. We can’t feel the physical connection to Christ, but the spiritual connection is just as real. It is the embodiment of our love for Him and his love for us.

As an old song put it, “It will be worth it all, when we see Jesus.” We’ll feel complete when we are finally with the One we love. That’s what I think…what do you think?