Ten Tips for a Successful Marriage

Earlier this week, a Facebook friend asked a favor. She said, "I am doing a homework assignment for a Marriage and Family class, and am asking five individuals what they think is the secret to a successful marriage. What are your thoughts?"

After sharing my thoughts with her, I realized I'd just written my next blog! I decided to share them with others, with one caveat: I learned much of this the hard way - through the experience of doing it wrong!

Jim and I have been married almost 46 years, but we have struggled at times just like every other couple I know. We have made mistakes, asked forgiveness, and plodded forward sometimes when we didn't feel like it. Success is often as simple as just hanging in there until things get better!

I began my answer by quoting the Bible. Proverbs 14:1 says, "A wise woman builds her house, but the foolish woman tears it down with her own hands."

This verse tells us that we have a task to do. Building a successful marriage is hard work, and we must be proactive, not reactive. It doesn't take much effort to tear something down. If we are doing nothing to build it, we are basically accomplishing that destruction.

Here are several things to keep in mind:

1. NEVER consider or talk about divorce. It destroys trust and opens the door for doubt and discouragement.

2. Constantly reinforce your love, faith and trust in your mate by saying things that BUILD your relationship: For instance, I love you, I'd choose to marry you all over again, I value your opinion, I appreciate the effort you put into our family, I think you're a good father/mother, I love and respect your family, etc. 

3. There will always be give and take, but there is no 50/50 relationship. We must each try to give 100% because none of us is perfect, and we will fail. But the fact that our mate sees that we're trying our best is worth a lot.

4. Don't expect your mate to change his/her values after you are married. Ask God to change the things you dislike in your mate but cannot change. If He doesn't change a person, you can't do it. Accept what you cannot change as God's gift to sharpen you and make you a better person.

5. Respect one another and model that respect, especially when you are with others. Nothing hurts a relationship more than one of the parties being disrespectful or demeaning to the other.

6. Set goals and work together to accomplish them. Marriage is not a competition, but a collaboration. Many marriages fall apart because people don't have shared dreams and goals. They pursue separate interests and grow apart, often becoming resentful of their mate's achievements or success.

7. Communicate your feelings without blaming the other person. If you are disappointed that you haven't been able to do what you expected you could, express how you feel, but don't blame your mate.

8. Be realistic in your expectations. Don't assume that because you are deeply in love, everything will be smooth sailing. Both partners are imperfect, and conflict will arise. Try not to take it as a personal attack when he/she does not agree with your perspective or opinions. It has been said that if two people agree on everything, one of them is expendable.

9. Fight fair and then forgive. When you argue (not literally fight) say what is bothering you and why. Then when each person has expressed him/herself, own up to your part of the problem, apologize and ask forgiveness. Accept the apology and put it behind you - don't stew and rehash it.  

10. Live within your means and establish a budget. Decide who will control the finances and pay the bills. Determine how much each person is able to spend without asking your mate to approve it.

Successful marriages don't just happen - they are the result of hard work and a desire on the part of both partners to make it work! I know God has a plan for every life, and I'm thankful that bringing Jim into my life was a part of His plan for me. He is strong where I'm weak, and vice versa.

The conflict we often face in our marriages either make us or break us. If we allow God to use that conflict to help us improve, we become a better person, and our marriage is strengthened. When you face difficult times, remember that God perfects us through trials. And often when we look back on these times, we have to laugh at how immature we were, or how silly our arguments were. Give your marriage and all relationships to God, and He will bless you and others through them.

That's what I think...let me know what you think by posting a comment below.

D – I – V – O – R – C – E

A technology-challenged, 60-something father was trying out all the features of the new cell phone his daughter had helped him select. After showing him the basics, she went home leaving her proud father reading the manual and trying out more features. He decided to surprise her the next day by sending her a text message. However, he wasn’t quite quick enough to notice that the smart phone had auto corrected his message to read as follows:

Dad:    Your mom and I are going to Divorce next month. J

Daughter:  What!!! WHY????????  Call me ASAP!!!

Dad:    No, no, no.  I typed in Disney and the auto-correct changed it to Divorce.

This funny story is also sad because it’s almost a picture of the flippant way in which divorce is handled by some people. A neighbor visiting in our home began telling me of her upcoming divorce. I was truly upset and somewhat blindsided thinking she had come to me for advice. “Oh, no,” she smiled and assured me, “we’re both fine with it.”

Divorce has become so commonplace that it’s the subject of jokes and idle chatter. But that’s not a true picture of how it affects real people, and it’s certainly not God’s perspective. The Bible says in Malachi 2:16 that God hates divorce. As a casual acquaintance, I was more upset than my neighbor was about the dissolution of her ten-year marriage despite the fact that her little girl was listening. According to the National Fatherhood Initiative, about 22 million children in this country live in single-parent homes, children who are much more likely to fall victim to the many social ills that divorce breeds.

The website marriage101.org says the divorce rate in America for first marriage is 41%; the divorce rate for second marriage is 60%; and the divorce rate for third marriage is 73%. The incidence rate for Christians is equally as high as non-Christians. The same website lists the top causes of divorce as: Money, Alcohol, Sexual issues, Immaturity, Jealousy, In-law problems, and Irresponsibility.

I just read a novel called The Pirate Queen by Patricia Hickman published by Waterbrook Press. It’s the story of a woman who had biblical grounds for divorce, and who was just about ready to leave her husband of thirty years when God intervened. She learned that DISappointments sometimes turn out to be HISappointments.

A statement she made stuck with me long after I finished the book. She said, “Love is not a feeling. It’s the actions you take whether you feel like it or not.” Some people seem to think that when they no longer feel loving, that releases them from their marital vows. We can’t trust our feelings because they change from day to day. We must act in love and commit to stay together even when we feel like giving up.

Too many people feel their marriage is the exception, and it’s okay for them to divorce because God understands. Don’t cop out on your mate or on God. Begin your marriage with the end in mind. Look 20 or 30 years down the road and imagine what kind of family you want to have. I assure you, it won’t be a fragmented family that you picture. If you ever attend a wedding where the parents of the bride or groom are divorced, you will readily see and feel the wounds the whole family suffers.

The result of staying together is that we leave a legacy of trust, security, commitment, and honor for our children to model their marriages after. Choose to stick with it, and you will be rewarded with greater tenacity, a feeling of accomplishment, a shared history, and the peace that comes with obedience. Your children will rise up and called you blessed, and your family will avoid many of the heartaches that follow divorce.

Tell me what you think by leaving a comment in the space below.